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Resentment

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I am getting married next June.  My husband to be and I have been together for 6 years.  We even own a house.  Yet marriage is putting all sorts of pressures on me that I didn’t expect and I am freaking out.

I have these goals, such as to get a Phd, travel the world, and work on a few naturalist expeditions.  Marriage, I realize, is not exactly the same path that I thought I was on, and yet I continue forward.

I continue forward because I love him and I want him to be a part of my life, and I a part of his.  The main stress is around the simple fact that I am a woman.  If we want to have children, then they have to come from me.  I don’t see how this matches up with my goals.  Making and having children is hardly cohesive with hiking the forests of Congo.

It makes me kick myself.  I should have pushed myself harder when I was younger.  I should be halfway through my Phd by now.  I know that this isn’t realistic.  The path that my life has taken would not have happened sooner.  I didn’t know when I was younger what I would become passionate about.  It developed with age.  Not that my 28 years are that long.

My fiancé, whom I will from here on out refer to as my sig-fig because it’s easier to type and less pretentious,  says that I am lucky to know what drives me, because many people go their whole lives without finding their purpose.

I have a passion for learning, for problem solving and for living life.  I also love the natural world.  I am an avid gardener, and I can lie on my stomach in a field watching birds and bugs for hours.  I have had the opportunity to work with monkeys, and it was the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done in my life.

Then there is this fear, that if I don’t have children while I can, I will regret it.  That I will become old and resentful, with a life full of drive and passion that somehow seems empty.  My sig-fig says that the reason we should have children is because we love to have a full house.  We will always have a guest room or two for company, and we are our happiest when we are entertaining or just sitting with other people.  It’s true, we love people.

Where does this leave me? Resentful of the fact that only women can bare children because I don’t know what this does to my dreams.  It tempers them I suppose.  I have always lived my life with the anxiety that time is flying by and there is so much left to experience in the fleeting moments.

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About Alicia

I work with monkeys, knit, sew, garden, remodel my house on a regular basis. I love working with my hands and my brain in new and interesting ways. I daily face a conflict between my idealism and real life. Feminism and my rights as they should be and what society dictates to me as the way life is. I think a lot about where nature lies and where socialization begins. It's tough, and so I decided to write.

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